


Firsts, Secrets, Scars

by LEDbiantastic



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 20:31:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8299949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LEDbiantastic/pseuds/LEDbiantastic
Summary: This fic is an attempt to document a bunch of Willow and Tara’s firsts in the build up to their relationship. Includes first realization of having a crush, first all-nighter together, first kiss, and first time shirtless. This is only one of many possible ways to expand on the beginning of Willow and Tara’s relationship, and isn’t even necessarily my own headcanon. Takes place during Season Four between episode 10 (Hush) and probably episode 17 (Superstar).





	

**Firsts, Secrets, Scars**

The first time Tara knew she had a crush on Willow was the instant their fingers touched. To be fair, it wasn’t exactly an instant-crush, it was more like a recognition of inevitability. Even though she was terrified, even with the force of the magic flowing between them, Tara was still able to realize that she was definitely going to have a crush on Willow. Tara had had crushes before, but usually kept herself at a distance, not letting herself get involved. Her crushes had always been completely unaware of magic, and Tara neither wanted to tell someone she wasn’t sure she could trust, nor did she want to start a relationship by hiding a large part of her life from a girlfriend. The irony of this had not been lost on Tara, who would always have to keep secrets from anyone she grew close to no matter what. But Willow—Willow already knew about magic, and Tara felt she was treading into dangerous territory. Here was someone she could talk about—and even practice—magic with. If she let herself get too close, her other secret might come spilling forth; and that would be disastrous. Even if she didn’t tell, eventually she would be outed—either by disappearing or by becoming a demon. Tara vowed to tread carefully. There was something special about this girl, and if she wasn’t careful she might just fall in love.

**************

The first time Willow and Tara talked for an entire evening was a week after the Gentlemen came to Sunnydale. They had hung out for a couple of hours after their voices came back and they got out of the laundry room—after going their separate ways to shower and change clothes first. The chat had been pleasant, though it hadn’t been for too long. Tara wanted more, but she worried that Willow didn’t. Why would Willow want to talk to her?

When Tara saw Willow waiting in the hall outside the next Wicca group meeting, she realized with happy surprise that Willow was waiting for her. Sensing an opportunity, she hesitated outside the door. Willow made no move to enter first, and they stood there while the meeting started without them.

  
The voice drifted out the door to them, “We come together, daughters of Gaia, sisters to the moon…”

  
Willow timidly began, “Do you wanna, maybe...”

  
“D-d-d-ditch w-w-w-wicca group?” Tara finished hopefully.

  
“Yes!” Willow agreed.

  
They ended up in Willow’s dorm because it was closer. Willow suggested they hang out in the common room, because she didn’t want to bother Buffy by hanging out in their dorm room. Tara knew a lie when she heard one, but Tara didn’t mind that Willow didn’t want her to see her dorm yet. Tara had her secrets too.

  
They sat on two plush chairs in a corner of the common room and started talking. Tara asked Willow more about her history with Witchcraft. The two of them started trading stories back and forth about their early magic use. Willow told Tara some funny stories, like the time she accidentally blew the power for her whole block trying to communicate with the spirit world. Tara laughed when Willow described the lights going out and how she yelled “Sorry!” without thinking.

  
“My father, who was actually home for once, yelled up to me: ‘Why are you sorry? It’s not like it’s your fault the power’s out.’ I was like, ‘Haha, of course not, dad.’”

  
“Your p-p-parents weren’t around much?” Tara asked.

  
“Almost never. I was by myself a lot. Well—I was with Xander a lot, actually. And Buffy once we became friends.”

  
Tara tried to imagine what it would have been like to grow up with such absent parents. She tried to imagine the freedom of getting to experiment with magic without her parents—without her father—at home. But then she thought about all the magic lessons with her mother and thought, _If I had to choose between no parents at home or both parents, I’d choose to get time with my mom._ The thought made Tara feel lighter somehow.

  
Willow also told a story about the time she set her rug on fire trying learn to control the element of fire. Tara offered stories in return, telling Willow about the time when she was twelve and she mixed a potion which dyed her mother’s hair purple. Tara felt triumphant when she made Willow laugh. She didn’t tell Willow that when her father saw what had happened, her mother took the blame and the resulting punishment.

  
“S-so, you s-s-st-started learning m-magic in high school?” Tara asked.

  
“Yeah, before that I didn’t know magic was real.”

  
“I’ve always nuh-known. When I was a b-b-baby, my m-mother would make my duh-dolls duh-dance for me.” Tara smiled at the memory. She didn’t mention that her mother only did so when her father wasn’t looking. It was the first of many secrets kept between the two. Tara looked back up at Willow. “How did you fuh-first find out ab-bout magic?”

  
“Oh, you know, it’s Sunnydale. Stuff happens.” Willow stared intently at Tara, as if waiting for something.

  
Tara had no idea what was going on, nor what Willow wanted her to say. She stayed silent, and Willow changed the subject. Shortly thereafter, they both went back to their rooms to do homework and go to sleep.

**************

The first time Willow and Tara hung out all night was a few days after they floated a rose together, only to lose control and watch the rose zoom around the room. The spell had been an attempt to test their synchronicity that Willow had found and brought to Tara.

  
The spell had felt wonderful to Tara, up until the rose went crazy. Tara had looked up the spell afterwards to see if she could find any explanation for why it had gone so awry. In her research, she had found this passage: “Choosing the right rose for you and your spellcasting partner is important in the testing of synchronicity. The spell will run more smoothly if the rose represents the relationship between the casters. Choose an orange rose if you’re excited to work with this person. Choose a yellow rose if you are friends or if you are beginning to get to know each other and become friends. Choose a purple rose if you’re highly compatible as spellweavers but are not friends or lovers. Choose pink if you feel your spellcasting partner is at a higher level of ability than you are. Choose white if you’re uncertain about your compatibility, but are hopeful. Choose a peach rose if your relationship is purely a working relationship. Finally, choose red if your spellcasting partner is your lover, or if you desire to be lovers.”

  
Tara had a hard time believing that Willow—usually so thorough in her research on the spells they cast together—would have missed something so basic. She wanted to ask Willow about it, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to hear the answer. If Willow had made a mistake, or just not known about the rose selection options, Tara didn’t want to let her own feelings slip out and then get rejected. She filed the information away in her mind, thinking she might choose to ask about it later.

  
After floating the rose, Tara kept trying to find time to see Willow. She realized that she had a crush on the redhead and that this could end badly, but she didn’t care. She started carrying around her Doll’s Eye crystal in the hopes of running into Willow. She wanted to offer it to Willow as a gift. A few days after the rose incident, Tara managed to cross Willow’s path out on the quad. Since they both had some time before they had to be anywhere, the two found a place to sit inside and talk. Tara offered Willow the crystal, but Willow would not accept her gift. Though, Willow did say she would like to try some spells with it together. Tara suggested they hang out that night, but Willow declined that as well, citing other plans. Terribly disappointed and convinced that Willow did not return her feelings, Tara fled.

  
Tara was surprised when someone knocked on her door later that night. She glanced at her clock—it was after nine. She went to the door, uncertain of what to expect, and was pleased to see that it was Willow.

  
Willow looked nervous, and she held her hands low in front of her and fidgeted with her fingers while she spoke. “Funny thing happened with my prior social engagement. Pretty much ended when a friend of mine went off to do something with another crowd she hangs out with.” Willow smiled wryly. “Irony’s kind of ironic that way. Anyway, I know it’s late, but I thought maybe, I mean, if you still wanted to do something?”

  
Tara smiled and ushered her in, and both girls made themselves comfortable on the bed.

  
Willow lost no time in asking, “So, what do you use a Doll’s Eye crystal for?”

  
“Oh, D-d-do you want to use it now?”

  
“If that's alright. I mean, I'm sure you've used it all the time, but I've never done anything with crystals, so…”

  
“Oh, o-okay. Well, anything with ‘eye’ in the name helps with Sight. So Tiger's Eye helps with battle Sight, or spying. The Doll’s Eye crystal has the ability to help a witch See through the perspective of innocence. It’s very helpful in the reading of auras, spells of unveiling, and revealing something’s true nature. It lets you see the truth of something, or someone. The way a child can.”

  
“Wow, neat! That would have been really useful when I was in high school. Should we test it out?”

  
“Um, what wo-would you want to test it out on?” Tara asked cautiously.

  
“I don’t know, people? We could take a walk around campus, see who’s out this time of night.”

  
“Um, sure, I guess. We could do a spell for Seeing and then walk around. But first we should shield ourselves.”

  
“Why?”

  
“The longer you look at something, or someone, the deeper you See. I just don't think we're ready to See each other that deeply.” Tara took a deep breath and tried to sound casual when she said, “I know I'm not.” She couldn’t help thinking wryly about how ironic it was that when she gave Willow a gift to make Willow like her, she gave her something that could make Willow hate her.

  
“Okay, that makes sense. We'll use it shielded.”

  
“Willow, do you really think it's okay to use it on other people like this?”

  
“Sure! As long as we don't See too deeply or tell anyone what we See.”

  
“Oh, okay.”

  
Willow and Tara walked around campus, garnering gossip and enjoying their peeks into other's lives. Sometimes, Tara would catch Willow gazing too intently at someone and would gently redirect her attention to someone or something else. After a short walk around the outside of Tara’s dorm, she and Willow returned to her room to hang out.

  
Sitting back on her bed, Tara mustered the courage to say, “Willow, promise me you'll never use this on me without my knowledge, okay?”

  
“Of course, Tara. I would never do that!”

  
Tara tried not to let her relief show as Willow asked another question about using crystals in magic. They talked witchcraft for a while before falling into more personal conversation. They were starting to share deeper and deeper layers of themselves, having moved beyond the basics and starting to talk about some of the things that have more of an emotional bearing on their lives. Tara felt guilty that she was keeping so much back, holding in anything about her childhood and her family. She was afraid Willow would hate her—just like her father—if she told her about her family.

  
Mostly, Willow talked about her recent break-up and told Tara the history of her love life. To be fair, it wasn’t a terribly long history. A long-term crush on Xander—Willow’s best friend, a brief online relationship in high school, and then Oz. Willow really wanted to talk about Oz. Tara was okay with that, she wanted to get to know Willow better. Plus, there was always the added bonus that hearing about her ex-boyfriend would remind Tara that she didn’t have a chance with Willow, and that they were just going to be close friends.

  
Tara shared a little of her dating history, leaving gender out of her stories in what she hoped was a subtle way, but she knew Willow had to have noticed. There wasn’t much for her to tell, some unrequited crushes here and there. She’d only ever dated one girl before—in high school—but it had never been very serious because Tara could never see her outside of school. So Tara didn’t have as much to tell, which was fine with her because she mostly wanted to listen. She considered asking Willow about the rose, but decided it wasn’t the right time.

  
While talking about Oz and the stuff that happened while they were dating, Tara had the sense that Willow was leaving out or changing details in her stories. Tara didn’t ask about it or call Willow out on her editing. After all, there was much that Tara had been leaving out. Tara had her secrets too.

  
“Did I tell you how Oz and I met?” Willow asked.

  
“Nn-no. You told me that you’d seen him around…”

  
“We met during the career fair. Both of us got selected by a software company to be recruited. But that’s not the interesting part.” Tara made an interested face. “The interesting part is that there was a… uh… a school shooter. Oz pushed me out of the way and got shot. He saved my life.”

  
“Wow. That’s, um, that’s romantic.” Tara said, trying to sound impressed, trying to keep her envy out of her voice. _Oz saved Willow’s life. She literally owes her life to him, and that is never going to go away. He will always have a hold on her, as long as she’s alive. I hate him. I would have done the same thing if I had been the one there, but she’ll never know that, it’ll always be Oz, she’s alive because of Oz._

  
Tara was spared having to think of something to say when Willow said, “Sorry if this is all horribly dull for you. I swear I have an interesting life outside of boy drama.”

  
“N-No! I like hearing about your l-life. That’s what friends do.”

  
“Tara, can I trust you?” Willow said abruptly.

  
_No. I’m evil. You can’t trust me._ “Um, th-that dep-p-pends.”

  
“If I tell you some stuff that’s supposed to be a secret, will you keep it a secret from anyone who doesn’t already know?”

  
_Who am I going to tell?_ “Yes, I won’t tell anyone!”

  
“Okay. My friend Buffy? She’s the Slayer.” Willow said dramatically, then waited for Tara’s reaction.

  
“Um, what?”

  
“You know, the vampire slayer?”

  
Tara shook her head.

  
“You don’t know? Oh, um,” Willow furrowed her brow. “There’s this speech Giles gives. Let me see if I remember it. ‘Into every generation a slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number. She is the Slayer.’” Willow quoted.

  
“Wow.”

  
“Yeah, I think that whole speech sounds a little pretentious. Basically, Buffy has superpowers and she uses them to fight vampires, demons, and other supernatural evil. Me and my other best friend Xander help Buffy fight evil. We call ourselves the Scooby gang. Get it? Like Scooby Doo?”

  
Tara smiled, and then thought about the information Willow had revealed. Willow stayed silent, letting Tara take her time sorting through things. Tara liked that Willow did that. _Wow, this isn’t just a personal secret Willow told me, it’s something really important. I’m glad she trusts me. It sounds like this has been a big part of her life. I wonder if she’s telling me because she wants me to be involved? Huh, imagine that, an evil demon fighting evil demons. This Vampire Slayer, she acted like I should have known about it. I guess she thought witches would know. I hope I didn’t disappoint her. What does it mean that the Vampire Slayer goes to U.C. Sunnydale? Is there a lot that’s dangerous here? I would have thought vampires and stuff would be concentrated in cities, like people are._ “Willow, there are vampires and demons everywhere, right?”

  
“Yeah.”

  
“So why is the slayer here, in Sunnydale? Why wouldn’t Buffy have gone somewhere like New York? There’s probably tons of vampires in New York.”

  
“Because of the Hellmouth, of course.”

  
“Hellmouth?”

  
“You don’t know?”

  
Tara ducked her chin and shook her head, letting her hair swing in front of her face to hide her embarrassment. Willow sounded like this should be obvious, and Tara felt stupid for not knowing.

  
“I assumed all magic users would know about the Hellmouth.”

  
“I g-gu-gu-guess n-not.”

  
“That’s okay! The Hellmouth is basically just a gateway to Hell. It just so happens to sit directly underneath the library of the old high school. The Hellmouth is a mystical convergence that draws all kinds of evil to Sunnydale. Demons, Vampires, and lots of other fun beasts. Plus it makes magic extra strong and less stable. Oh, and it can make people more likely to do evil things.”

  
“Wow, th-that sounds r-really bad.” _I wonder if I felt drawn to Sunnydale because of the Hellmouth…_

  
“Yeah, it is. I’ve been fighting evil since my sophomore year of high school, when I met Buffy. Pretty intense, huh?” Willow must have noticed the awe on Tara’s face, because she quickly added: “Not that I’m some hero or something, that’s Buffy. I just try to help, and most of the time Buffy has to save my butt.”

  
“Oh, okay.” Tara secretly thought that she had been right: Willow certainly was something special.

**************

The first time Willow and Tara kissed was when Tara felt like she least deserved it. She had truly deceived Willow for the first time—as opposed to the many, many lies of omission she’d already racked up. Willow had needed her help for something important, and Tara had deliberately caused the spell to fail. Willow had come to her for help, and—worried about offending Tara—had earnestly reassured her that she enjoyed talking and hanging out with Tara too. And now here Tara sat, expression bland, while Willow found the right page in the spell book and looked back over the spell.

  
“We said the incantation perfectly. We alternated in the right spots.” Willow sounded indignant. “The mixture was right too! I know it. I mixed the potion perfectly!”

  
“Mmm.” Tara tried to look sympathetic instead of guilty. _I’m lying to Willow. I’ve been lying to her for over a month. I don’t deserve to be her friend. I need to get over this stupid crush and get out of her life._

  
“How did the spell just” Willow raised her hands with the palms up and shrugged her shoulders, “nothing?”

  
“I dunno, Willow.”

  
“I mean, if something had happened that wasn’t supposed to, I’d get that. But this just—” Willow gestured again, cupping her hands with rigid, claw-like fingers spread, “nothing!”

  
“We’ve messed up spells before. What about that rose spell? That one didn’t work the way it was supposed to.”

  
“Yeah, but something happened. The spell did something.”

  
_You need to distract her before she gets the truth out of you. If you don’t change the subject, she’ll realize that she should be asking you questions. Okay, just ask about the rose, get her off this subject._ “Um, Willow, speaking of the rose spell…”

  
“Huh? What?” Willow seemed distracted.

  
“I was, um, wondering if you had any idea what happened to it.”

  
“Hmmm? No, I already told you, I have no idea.”

  
“I d-d-did some research on the s-s-spell. I wanted to know why the r-r-ro-rose went all ballistic on us.”

  
“Oh? Did you find something?” Willow seemed to pull her thoughts in, focusing more on what Tara was saying.

  
Tara got nervous and knew her stammer was getting worse. “There was a whole s-s-s-section on choo-choosing the right r-rose. I was w-w-w-wondering, um, I w-w-was wo-wondering why you chose a r-r-red rose.”

  
“I like red!” Willow said quickly.

  
“Is-is that it? Because, um, if we used the wrong cuh-color that might be why the spell messed up.”

  
“Well… No… There's more.” Willow looked around. They were alone, of course, sitting on Tara’s bed in her room. Willow scooted closer to Tara. “This is why I picked red.” She said quietly, and then quickly kissed Tara.

  
Tara was so surprised she sat frozen.

  
When Tara didn't react, Willow jumped off the bed. “I'm sorry! I'll leave!” She bolted for the door.

  
The only thing in Tara’s mind was that she couldn’t let Willow run away thinking Tara didn’t want her. “No! Wait!” Tara surged up and off the bed. Thinking Willow was going to run from her room, Tara threw herself towards the door. But instead of opening the door, Willow turned around and faced Tara. Unable to stop herself, Tara crashed into Willow, crushing her against the door.

  
Every instinct in Tara told her to run, hide, flee this situation and the embarrassment. But she quashed those urges and kissed Willow instead.  
She felt Willow relax and then start kissing her back. Tara wrapped her arms around Willow and they both sagged against the door.

  
“Tara?”

  
“Yeah?”

  
“I was supposed to tell Giles about the spell to locate the Polgara demon.”

  
“Oh! Okay, I’m sorry. You should go.” Tara said, shoulders slumping in defeat.

  
“No, I don’t want to leave, but they’ll be really suspicious if it takes too long.”

  
“They wouldn’t get suspicious if they knew I existed.” Tara muttered, rebelliously.

  
“Tara, I’m not ready. Can we talk about this later?”

  
“It’s fine. Go. Go to your friends.”

  
“Tara!” Willow sounded hurt. “Are you sorry we kissed?”

  
“No! Of course not! I want, um, I w-w-want to kiss you more.”

  
Willow smiled with almost a hint of wickedness. Leaning forward, she kissed Tara hard before letting herself out.

**************

The first time Tara saw Willow without her shirt on, it happened sort of by accident. They were hanging out in Tara’s room, like they’d been doing fairly regularly lately. When it had started to look like it was going to be another all night talk-fest, Tara changed into her pajamas and gave Willow a set of pajamas to borrow. Now that they were both cozy in soft T-shirts and flannel pajama pants, they were sitting on Tara’s bed together talking.

  
Tara noticed that Willow was sitting as far away from her as she could get. Ever since that spell where Willow had gone to the nether realm, things had been weird between them. The spell had taken the entire night, and Willow had returned to her body sweat-drenched and panting. Tara was in no better state, having had to maintain fierce concentration the whole night to tether Willow’s soul to the world. Willow had been clutching a glowing green orb in her fist when she sat up suddenly and threw herself at Tara. Tara had felt the magic flowing in her blood, and understood what Willow was doing. They had kissed madly, fervently. And then Willow had shoved her free hand up Tara’s skirt, and Tara had spread her legs, and then Tara had remembered.

  
“Willow.” She had said.

  
“Willow, we need to stop. Buffy needs what we’ve found, she needs it now.” Tara had said.

  
“I need you now!” Willow had retorted, but she had stopped, and they let the magic-induced fervor die while they changed and went to Giles’.

  
Afterwards, they had talked, and both agreed that they weren’t actually ready for what had been about to happen. But now Tara was frustrated. Things were awkward. Tara looked over at Willow, who was sitting near the foot of the bed with her knees pulled close to her chin. She seemed to be thinking. Tara looked at the few places where she could see Willow’s skin, her arms, her face and neck, her feet. Tara loved Willow’s skin, the smoothness, the paleness, the freckles. _Her skin is so soft and perfect… It’s like nothing has ever touched her, not even gently. I wonder if she has any scars? She’s been fighting vampires and stuff for years, hasn’t she had any close calls?_

  
“Willow, do you have any scars?”

  
“What? Why do you ask?”

  
“Because I haven’t seen any. Willow, you’ve fought evil for three years, how have you been able to stay unscathed?”

  
“You’ve only been looking at my face. I've gotten very good at protecting my face over the years.”

  
“I've s-seen and t-t-t-touched your arms and l-l-legs,” Tara added, blushing.

  
“Well, okay, there's an element of magic too.” Willow huffed.

  
“A glamour!” Tara didn't mention that she'd used glamours for years to hide the cuts on her wrists, the marks on the backs of her legs from her father's discipline, and in high school she had used them to hide fresh bruises.

  
Willow smiled. She muttered a few words that Tara couldn't hear. “Now take a look.”

  
Tara gasped. The areas she could see were covered with tons of crisscrossing lines of even paler white. Most of them small, but a few stuck out, raised and puckered, from the rest of Willow’s dappled skin.

  
“You—You’re covered.”

  
“Fighting monsters every day for three years will do that to you. Do you want to hear some of the stories?”

  
“If you want to tell me.”

  
Willow nodded. “Remember when I told you about the beast in the Hellmouth?”

  
Tara nodded.

  
Willow shifted on the bed and put her right foot in Tara’s lap. The leg of Willow’s flannel pants rose, baring her lithe ankle. Tara saw a thick band of pale scar tissue that wrapped around Willow’s ankle three and a half times. Tara gently traced the spiral around Willow’s ankle with her fingertips. Then, surprised at her own forwardness, she lifted Willow’s foot and brought her scarred ankle to her lips, brushing a gentle kiss onto the middle band of the scar.

  
Willow flushed and looked down. She pulled her leg back and tucked it under her while scooting forward, ending up kneeling right in front of Tara.  
Tara’s breath caught. Where to look? _Not Willow’s eyes, too intense,_ Tara could lose herself in them. Not Willow’s chest, though it was so appealing. _No no, that's rude._ Tara looked down at her lap.

  
“Look.” The word from Willow drew Tara’s eyes back up. Willow had titled her head and twisted her torso, angling herself so Tara could see a scar on her neck. Tara gasped. It could only be a vampire bite.

  
“When? How?”

  
“An old classmate did this. Well, after she died and then turned into a vampire. Oz…” Willow trailed off.

  
“It’s okay, Willow, you can still tell me stories with Oz in them. I understand that he was a big part of your life. It’s not going to hurt my feelings.”

  
Willow took a breath. “Oz saved me.”

  
Tara smiled. “I'm lucky he was there, or I wouldn't have you.” Tara kissed the bite mark.

  
Willow smiled back and stared warmly into Tara’s eyes for a moment. “Do you want to see more? We can stop if this is too weird or too personal.”

  
“It-it’s okay. I want to hear more.”

  
“If you look closely around the bite mark, there should be another scar around there too.”

  
Tara didn’t see anything, so she leaned closer to Willow. On the verge of losing her balance, she put her hands down on Willow’s thighs to hold herself up.

  
Willow inhaled loudly.

  
“I don’t see anything.”

  
“There should be a scar just behind my jawbone.”

  
Tara found it and gently traced the thin line from behind Willow’s jaw down the side of her neck. “What is it?”

  
“Faith made this one. It was barely a scratch, but I guess necks scar easily. This is from the time I was captured by the mayor and held hostage. That whole night was so surreal—I should have been terrified, but instead I killed a vampire, spied on the mayor, mouthed off to Faith, and even had a comeback when she punched me in the face! But then Faith put a knife to my throat and it cut me. In the moment, I wasn’t scared, I was only angry. Afterwards, back at the library with the gang, I felt this rush, you know? This adrenaline high that I had survived! I felt on top of the world. But when I went home later I threw up and shook all night.”

  
Tara threw her arms around Willow and held her close.

  
“I’ve never told anyone that before. They were all so proud of me when I came back with information. Everyone told me I was brave. Buffy said I was suave. I didn’t want to disappoint them. I would have told Buffy, but she was in full-on general mode, trying to fight the war. I didn’t want to distract her. And Oz… Buffy told me that Oz was really angry when I got captured. I didn’t want to make him more upset.” Willow’s voice had started with a tremble and now became sobs.

  
Tara held Willow while she cried and fervently wished that she had been there, had been the one by Willow’s side all her life—like Xander; or that she had been able to support and protect her during her time on the Hellmouth—like Oz. “I wish I could have been there to protect you from getting all of these scars. I would have fought anyone or anything that tried to hurt you.”

  
Tara lay Willow down on her side and then lay down behind her while Willow continued to cry herself out. She slipped her hand up under Willow’s shirt so she could rub her back, and was surprised to feel lumpy irregularities across Willow’s back. She realized it must be another scar that she hadn’t been able to feel due to the magical disguise. She tried to subtly figure out what shape this scar took, but she didn’t want Willow to know she was distracted by it.

  
When Willow finished crying, Tara gently asked, “Are you o-okay?”

  
“Yeah, I’m better now. I’m sorry for being such a mess.”

  
“N-no! It’s okay. It’s okay to cry.”

  
“Thank you.”

  
“Um, if you’re okay with it, can I ask—”

  
“About the scar on my back?” Willow finished.

  
“Y-yes.” Tara paused. “I-it, um, it feels… big.”

  
“You can lift my shirt and look at it. It’s definitely my biggest scar.”

  
Tara gently raised Willow’s shirt and looked at the four gashes that went diagonally across Willow’s back. She couldn’t see where they started because the shirt still covered part of the scars, and Willow lying on the shirt made it hard to lift it any higher. “Wow, these are big.” Tara placed her palm on Willow’s back and saw that the scars could have been made by very large claws.

  
“Um, you can…” Willow took a breath. “You can take my shirt off if you want to see better.”

  
Tara was very surprised. Though they had kissed, neither of them had yet to remove any clothing articles in front of the other. They were taking things slowly and cautiously, by Willow’s suggestion but Tara’s relief.

  
Willow sat up a little, leaning on one arm, while Tara slowly drew Willow’s borrowed pajama shirt off her petite frame. She traced the scars on Willow’s back, sucking in her breath at the length of them.

  
“What happened? What made these?”

  
“I don’t even remember what type of demon it was. I was patrolling with Buffy and Xander my junior year and there was a demon. It wasn’t anything special except that it had sharp claws and happened to get me across the back.”

  
“These look like they were pretty bad.”

  
“Yeah, it’s kind of embarrassing, but I fainted. I remember waking up to Buffy carrying me into the hospital. I needed a lot of stitches. I’m lucky it wasn’t a bite, though, or I would have needed a rabies shot.”

  
“Demons can have rabies?!” Tara was very alarmed at the notion.

  
“No, but it’s not like I’m going to tell the hospital that it was a demon that bit me!”

  
Tara continued gently tracing the puckered lines on Willow’s back and then leaned forward and peppered Willow’s back with kisses. She started at the base of Willow’s spine and moved up her back. When she got to the top, she noticed a mark on the top of Willow’s shoulder. She sat up straighter to look at it. It was a blob shaped scar.

  
“What’s this?”

  
“This is from the second time the Hellmouth opened, when the monster tried to grab me.”

  
“It’s huge! Did it hurt a lot?”

  
“Ya know, in the moment I hardly noticed—the heat of battle and all. I don’t even understand why those weird tentacles left scars. They weren’t serrated; they didn’t have suction cups. It’s like the touch of them burned my skin. But I didn’t feel it at the moment.”

  
“That is strange. Maybe it has to do with the fact that the creature lives in the Hellmouth?”

  
“Maybe.”

  
They were both silent for a while, Willow thinking her own thoughts, and Tara thinking about Willow. Finally, Tara spoke.

  
“You went through a lot in high school. I have no idea what it must be like to be constantly fighting the forces of evil, and sometimes being hurt by them. I wish I could help somehow, but there’s nothing I can do. All these wounds are in the past. But… But I want you to know that in the future, I’ll be there. And maybe I can prevent you from getting any more scars. I know I am weak, and can’t do much, but—” _I'd die to save you from pain_ were the words that came unbidden to Tara’s mind. _No no Tara, she'll think you're crazy and obsessed._ “I care about you.” Tara finished lamely. How had she fallen so deeply in love so quickly?

  
Willow turned around to face Tara. “I care about you too.”

  
They held each other close, starting out just clinging tight to each other. But then Tara started stroking Willow’s back, and Willow reached up Tara’s shirt to do the same. Soon Willow was tugging Tara’s shirt up and asking, “Can I?” Tara nodded and Willow tried to yank Tara’s shirt off, but it got stuck on her right arm and then her ponytail and they both ended up laughing. After the laughing came kissing. Tara wanted to touch Willow’s chest, to hold her perky, little breasts cupped in her hands and find out all their hidden pleasure points. But she didn’t. She knew Willow had never been with a woman and didn’t want to come on too strong.

  
Instead they kissed for a while, stroking shoulders and arms and backs. Eventually they lay back down, smooshing the fronts of their bodies together, enjoying the feeling of skin touching skin.

  
Minutes passed. Tara shifted to get more comfortable. Willow shifted a little in response. Eventually, through many small shifts in position, they backed a little apart from each other.

  
“Hey Tara? I’m gonna roll over, is that okay?”

  
“Yeah. Do you want me to still hold you?”

  
“Of course!”

  
Willow rolled over and they resettled, this time with the bare skin of Willow’s back against Tara’s breasts. Tara put her arm over Willow and held her hand. Tara absent-mindedly stroked Willow’s knuckles with her thumb, and that’s how she noticed one more scar, lumpy lines on the back of Willow’s hand.

  
“What’s this one?”

  
“Oh, um, I hadn’t decided if I was gonna tell you about this one yet.”

  
“Oh! O-o-okay. I’m s-s-sorry. You d-don’t have to tell me.” Tara understood. She had her secrets too.

  
“No, it’s okay, it’s not your fault you can feel it without the glamour.” Willow pauses. “I was going to tell you eventually anyway.” Willow pauses again and takes a deep breath. “Remember how I told you that my relationship with Oz was complicated? Well, it was complicated because he was—is—a werewolf.”

  
“What?!” Tara was astounded. _But… werewolves are monsters. Father says people can’t love monsters. Does this mean that I…_ She felt hope swelling inside her for the first time since she lost her mother.

  
“It’s not like he was evil!” Willow said emphatically.

  
_Ah, that’s the difference. He wasn’t inherently evil, unlike me._ And just like that, the hope was gone.

  
“He was a perfectly normal guy, most of the time. Three nights a month, we had to lock him in a cage. That’s all!” Willow sounded like she was trying to win an argument, but Tara wasn’t arguing. In fact, Tara was silently waiting for Willow to continue.

  
Willow seemed lost in thought.

  
“The scar on your hand?” Tara prodded gently.

  
“Right. So, usually werewolves change only during the night before, the night of, and the night after a full moon. But earlier this year we went to a haunted house party and then the house was actually haunted. Well, haunted in the sense that the demon of fear was trying to manifest by having everyone’s fears become reality in order to separate us and drive us upstairs. It was a whole big thing. Anyway, it turns out that what Oz fears most is the wolf inside of him, and in the haunted house he started to change. He panicked and lashed out when I tried to touch him. Then he ran away. Just like he did later, he left me because of the wolf.”

  
“I’m so sorry Willow. That must have been hard.”

  
“It was hard. And lonely. And it hurt.” Willow sniffled. “I would have stayed with him that night, I would have helped him, but he pushed me away. He had this stupid idea that he needed to deal with his problems alone. He’s always been that way.” Willow was starting to sound almost angry. “He could never just tell me what was going on and let me try to help! He always had to hold everything in, his words, his thoughts, his problems! We were together for two years, and I know he opened up to me more than anybody, but sometimes I really felt like I didn’t really know what was going on inside his head, you know?” Willow was crying again, and Tara felt awful for bringing Oz up. “I cared so much about him. I loved him. I shared everything with him, my thoughts, my body, my feelings. And he just couldn’t share himself with me in return. And then on top of that, he was a werewolf! My boyfriend was a part-time monster. I kept saying it was okay, and it was! Until it wasn’t. But it was always hard; it was always complicated.”

  
Tara let Willow cry until she had nothing else left. All Tara could do was hold Willow tight, so that’s what she did.

  
As Willow calmed down, she said, “Sorry I just keep crying tonight.”

  
“It’s okay.”

  
“And I’m sorry for getting all worked up about Oz.”

  
“I know you’re still sad about him. It’s okay if you still miss him sometimes.” Tara knew it was the right thing to say, but inside she felt jealousy flare up.

  
“I just want you to know that I’m happy where I am. With you.”

  
“I’m glad. But Oz still might come back, and if he does—”

  
“Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it,” Willow cut her off. “Right now I just want to be with you.” Willow wriggled backwards into Tara, snuggling her back into Tara’s belly.

  
Tara squeezed her arms tight around Willow’s middle. _Tonight has been really intense for Willow. She’ll probably fall asleep soon. All that crying must have worn her out._

  
Tara was surprised when Willow started to speak again. “So, I’ve just told you about all my scars, well, the physical ones at least. What about you? Do you have any scars to show me and tell about?”

  
Tara hesitated, thinking about all the ways her body had been marked over time. The biggest scar was on her right arm. She had accidentally broken a plate when she was thirteen and her father, in a rage, had hurled the broken plate at her. She barely got her arm up in time to block it from hitting her face, and the broken side had cut her deep. There was the latticework of scars on the backs of her calves from her father beating her when she was bad. The cuts on her wrists that she gave herself. She thought about how most of what her father and brother had done had been bruises. Bruises fade over time, but the emotional scars stick around. Then she thought about where that conversation would lead. Willow would find out about her family, and how awful they were. She might think Tara was awful too. Or she might wonder why Tara’s father and brother treated her like a monster, she might find out that Tara was one.

  
_Do I have any scars…_ Tara repeated the question in her mind. “No. I don’t have any.” Tara buried her head in Willow’s back, hoping she couldn’t hear the lie. Tara had her secrets…

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This piece originally evolved out of me wondering whether any members of the Scooby Gang have scars from their time on the Hellmouth—particularly while in high school. Of course, I had to make it about Willow and Tara, and started writing a scene where Tara sees Willow’s scars the first time she sees Willow shirtless. Then I started thinking about other firsts for Tara/Willow, and the story expanded exponentially. I hope it ended up going in a good direction from where it originally started. Wow, reading this story over, I feel like I emphasized, and even added, a lot of unhealthy dynamics in their relationship. That makes me sad, because I think they’re perfect together. But I think a lot of the issues I bring up get resolved in the course of the show.


End file.
